I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
