It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
