i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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