the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
