I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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