just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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