I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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