My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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