Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
