Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Randomize
