I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
