my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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