Where are you?
In a non slutty way
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
