I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
