Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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