she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize