Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
