The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
