Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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