it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Randomize
