just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
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