This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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