The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
