i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
