how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
