dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
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Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
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The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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