Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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