glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
