I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
