I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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