I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
