I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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