Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
