Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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