I'm eating all of the evidence.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
