We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
