Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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