It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
