i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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