i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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