i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
