Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
