We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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