I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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