I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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