Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Drunk is a universal language darling
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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