omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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