The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I wear drunk well.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
