i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
