So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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