you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
