with your own penis?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Randomize
