i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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