i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
