im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
