i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
The feeling are messing with the penis
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
