I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
