I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
