You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
