Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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