Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
