Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Randomize
