I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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