My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
